Happy Pill
by D-Channerz
Summary: Gojyo's musings. Hakkai's concern. A troubled conversation.


Title: Happy Pill  
  
Rating: PG (language)  
  
Warnings: Gojyo's POV, angst, hints of shounen ai (not on purpose!)  
  
A/N: Okay. My third Saiyuki fic. Yep. This one is a little sketchy... And the more I read over it and check the story line, I realize that it didn't really turn out the way I wanted it to... But oh well. There seems to be GojyoxHakkai/HakkaixGojyo implied here, but believe me, that was not my intention. Hope that doesn't chase some of you away. oo;; Anyway, enjoy the fic, and review if you can! Sankyuu!   
  
----  
  
Shit.  
  
Here I am again. Nights like these are when I'm at my prime, and yet, I'm not. Of course, if you _like_ seeing a bastard like me drunk off his ass and hitting on anything with legs and a short skirt, I guess it's a good thing.  
  
I crumple another empty can of beer in my fist and lean back in my chair to take a long drag on my cigarette. The smoke stings my eyes, and I wince slightly. How long have I been sitting here, exactly? It must have been at least an hour or two. Most of the people have left and gone to bed. The monk and his pet are long gone. I can just hear that saru snoring as I speak... Geez. To hell with sharing a room with him. That wasn't happening **tonight** if I could help it.   
  
And so, I'm a victim of insomnia. Who wouldn't be, with the kind of life I live? Beating down the youkai by day, getting laid by night... that's all I need. And yet, lately...   
  
Lately, I haven't been sure about it. I still do the things I do, and I know that's who I am. But there are times when I wonder. Wonder about those things. And I hate that. Why do I have to think?   
  
"Gojyo? You're still awake?"  
  
The cigarette slips from between my fingers, but it never makes it to the floor. I nearly forgot about him...   
  
"What's it to you?" I mumble, sitting up again to glance over at him. He simply smiles in his usual way, as though he knows something that I don't know... Annoys the hell out of me sometimes.   
  
Passing my saved cigarette towards me, he glances at the mess I've left on the table. "You know..."  
  
The slight pause 'causes me to grin, and I shake my head. He doesn't have to finish. Hakkai is usually here with me on these nights, never saying anything more than he needs to. Because he knows why, and doesn't have to ask meaningless questions. And he doesn't try to stop me either.  
  
His eyes look different on this occassion though, as if something is bothering him. I guess I should care or something. I don't know. I'm too drunk to think rationally anyway, right? I can use that excuse for now.  
  
"Where were you?"   
  
Silence. Damn, he's spacing. Now I know something is wrong. Shit...  
  
"Hakkai?"  
  
"Na...? Oh, um... nothing."  
  
I sigh heavily and glare at him as best I can. I'm so drowsy though, it probably doesn't even look like it. It's a fight to keep my eyes open. He stops looking off into nothingness and stares at me, the plastered smile returning, but his eyes are still glazed.   
  
_Don't ask. Don't even go there._  
  
"What's wrong?" I stabbed my cigarette into the nearby ashtray on the table. I really have no control over what comes out of my mouth...   
  
He doesn't hesitate. "What are you going to do?"   
  
Now I'm confused.  
  
"I mean..." Hakkai so kindly elaborates, remembering that I can't answer such a question at a time like this, "...when you have to give this up?"  
  
"Give up what?" It's getting chilly in here. I know what he means, but I won't give him the satisfaction of not having to explain it.   
  
His eyes seemed to flicker at that. Yes, I got you. Sneaky bastard, aren't I? This is that other part... about the nights that break me. The part where we can pretend like we know everything. We speak through the silences, and try to understand. He hates it that he can't ever have the last word. It's a losing battle for both of us.   
  
"You should go to bed." He murmurs quietly, and he looks as if he's about to get up. I make no move to stop him. Looks like another cigarette is in order.   
  
Breathily, I reply, "Not by myself."  
  
The sudden, subtle blush across his cheeks is quite amusing, and I find myself laughing outloud.   
  
_Got you again._  
  
"I hope she's nice then..."  
  
"Me too."   
  
Another wary glance. I slump forward in my chair then, and my hair falls into my eyes. A curtain of crimson.  
  
There's not enough alcohol here. Not in this building. Not in this town. Not in the whole damn world. I'm still here, and until that changes... When did the walls start moving in closer?  
  
"Gojyo..." He starts, completely uncertain now. What the hell is wrong with him tonight? "I want to finish this."  
  
"What's to finish? Really?"  
  
"You think I don't know..."  
  
I'm laughing bitterly as I swallow another mouthful of lukewarm beer. So good. "Of course you know. I told you myself."  
  
I'm waiting for him to smile now. I need to see it. It's the only thing that keeps me from feeling guilty about all the dumb shit that seems to come out of my mouth on a regular basis. I think I mentioned that before... The smile is just another little secret.  
  
The fists clenching at his sides are enough to bring me back to my senses.   
  
_You're not going to smile for me... are you? Not this time._  
  
And then I feel his hand on my shoulder. A sudden movement. How much time passed afterwards is a mystery. I could have passed out several times already.  
  
_Don't do this.  
_  
His expression conveys the message loud and clear. He's in pain.   
  
_Just_ **stop**.  
  
Cigarette. I need another cigarette. "I'm fine, Hakkai."  
  
I don't know what that means. Whether I feel fine, or something else. He wants the truth, but I don't give that to anyone. Maybe someday. Someday.   
  
"I thought I would be used to this..." His voice is shaking. "But I'm not. And you remember, when I told you..."  
  
"Told me what?" I'm not faking this time.   
  
"What happens to you is my business as well, whether you believe that or not. And watching you like this isn't the only thing I was referring to."  
  
Shit... I suppose now would be the time to say it. It's a wonder I can still see his face. And I can't stop staring either.   
  
"I'm sorry." I don't want things to be this way. But I guess...  
  
"Bed then? Or are you still waiting for someone else?" His face relaxes into a small smile again. I think it's genuine.   
  
...I guess this is how it's going to be, and like he said, whether I believe it or not. But then maybe I knew that already. I don't want to change.   
  
Standing up with as much dignity as I could muster (and coming from me, that's still a lot, dammit), I slung an arm around his shoulder and he leads me to the stairs.  
  
I can have my woman tomorrow night. And many other women on the other nights after that. **This** night though, I'd rather embrace the calm void inside my head. The same one he embraces. That's all that's left now.   
  
::owari::  
-------  
  
Ugh, I can't STAND the ending. I cut it short... Gomen nasai, minna-san. -- Ah well. Leave a review, onegai? Sankyuu!


End file.
